A couple weeks ago, I took my kids to the Storm Youth Championship in Louisville, KY. 

It is always fun to attend youth events as a mom and not always as the event organizer, the way I am at EYT. As a mom in attendance, I get time to actually visit other families in attendance, which I never get to do at EYT because I’m always so busy. Attending as a mom also gives me the opportunity to mingle and meet new families.

During this tournament, I spent quite a bit of time visiting with one mom, in particular. Their son, who was nine, was absolutely obsessed with bowling. Like OBSESSED. Yet, neither she nor her husband bowled. He picked up bowling after just trying it at a birthday party. After that, he began learning everything he could about it. And when he bowls, he acts like a pro. He even thinks like a pro. As in, he carries himself with such a sense of self-belief. He truly believes in what he is doing, and he is doing everything he can to always get better. I loved that about him.

In a way, I saw a little bit of myself in him. When I was his age, I was just as excited about bowling (well, I still am!), but I also was driven by a belief in myself. That 9-year-old also seemed to have amazing parents who are enabling him to pursue his bowling dreams, similar to the way my parents supported my sister and me. That’s how kids grow up crazy enough to actually believe they can be the pros they see themselves becoming.

As I sat next to that mom all weekend, I gave her tips about how to manage and encourage her ambitious son. She didn’t know who I was – which was also kind of fun. I didn’t want to say that I’m a professional bowler. I just let it develop naturally, bowling-mom to bowling-mom.

Overall, the advice I gave her was what I always tell my EYT youth, as well as my own kids. There are so many things that no matter how much researching and note-taking a bowler does, some things are just learned in competition. He’s not supposed to know everything. So, the more he gets out on the lanes and competes, the more he’s going to naturally advance in his game. He is in a block of boys ranging in age up to 12 years old. So where he wants to go takes time, but I could see he had a love for the sport that would help him endure.

I emphasized to this mom how much I admired his passion and that I hope he’d keep that. To not lose sight of why he started in the first place. He started because it was fun. Although he took it really seriously, I wanted to be sure he still had a sense of fun while competing. 

In contrast to her son, there was another little boy there who had the opposite attitude. That other boy was 10. And while he was doing really well (according to his score), he had a really bad attitude. You could see he wasn’t having fun. He wasn’t enjoying the experience of being at the competition. He wasn’t interested in making friends. Instead, he was just sulking and miserable throughout the day. I also overheard the 10-year-old’s mom berating her son for being outscored by the 9-year-old boy.

Later in the day, I approached the 10-year-old boy to congratulate him for how well he did. He had a really good end-of-tournament score. 

I said to him, “it looks like you bowled really well today. Congrats!”

His reply: “What do you mean?” He was upset that he didn’t win the first-place medal. He didn’t think he had done anything deserving of praise. He had a do-or-die mentality.

I reminded him that there were a lot of really good bowlers in his division, and he had actually ranked quite well among all of them.  

So, I asked him: “Even though you didn’t get the top spot, can you name three things that went well for that block?”

His reply to me was that nothing at all had gone well all day. 

Nothing at all. 

He could not find one thing.

The fact is that if you can’t get your attitude to the point where you can see and acknowledge what went well, the journey in this sport is going to be a really tough one. When you appreciate the process, you can draw something from the experience that will make you better. As I told that 10-year-old, focusing on what actually went well is how to move forward even when things don’t work out exactly as you want them to…

And sometimes, it’s essential to take a couple of steps back to get even further ahead.

Tournament results are not always going to be in your favor, but being a true champion isn’t about being at the top of the scoreboard. That’s not a champion mindset.

I always tell my students to look at what went great, look at what could have been better, and grow from every single experience – a win or a loss. Pick up those nuggets of wisdom about your game along the way instead of thinking that if you’re not the winner, it is a waste. 

A “win only” attitude actually blocks your progress. Just as much, when you only focus on what went wrong (or what you should have done), it will start a spiral that can work against you.

Reframing your thinking takes practice, but that’s just part of the mental game.

After my conversation with the 10-year-old, I spoke with the 9-year-old mom again. We talked about how great it is that her son really was enjoying the entire tournament.

It reminds me of the quote: “It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see.”

How you focus your attention is a choice.   

And if you can’t see anything good in what you are doing, why are you doing it at all?

Your attitude in your game is so important. The other thing I like to say to people when they’re struggling with their attitude toward the game is, “Don’t forget why you started.” Even at the pro level, this is something we always have to do to keep ourselves grounded and to maintain our perspective.

So my question to anyone feeling stuck or lacking positivity towards the game is this: Where is your focus?

Are you actually focusing more on what went wrong rather than right? Are there things that went right, but you’re not paying enough attention to them? Are you remembering the joy that brought you to the sport in the first place?