I can remember the moment so clearly. I was in my new condo in Chicago, ready to start my life in the “real world” just after I graduated from college. And there I was, sitting in front of my refrigerator in the kitchen, crying.  It was just before a major tournament, and I was leaning up against my fridge, holding my knees. For anyone who thinks that successful athletes don’t have lows, this is a perfect example of one.

At that moment, just hours before a critical competition, I was feeling beaten down by criticisms. People I thought would be supportive were actually trying to get in my head, trying to weaken me. It was so hurtful, and the opposite of how my own heart beats. I have always tried to be kind and supportive. Those are the adjectives that became woven into my being. I was crushed that they were doing this, acting destructively towards their peers rather than supporting them. I just didn’t understand what was happening. I wondered, why are they trying to tear me apart? Why can’t they accept me for who I am? What is wrong with me?

I still remember so clearly, almost as if it were yesterday, how hard it was for me to show up to that event. I even questioned if I was worthy of going. That’s what they wanted, right? For me to question my potential. To back down. They could not wait to see me fail. I had to figure out how to work through all the feelings I was having, in real time. How do you show up when your back is against the wall? When everyone is waiting for you to fail? It’s at those moments you figure out what you’re made of. 

I was feeling so hurt by their words and actions.

I have become known for how genuine and confident I am. Most people like and respect me for it. Yet, during this tournament, and also later at various other times in my career, people criticized my strengths, choosing to interpret my confidence as inappropriately arrogant, in order to make me doubt myself. Perhaps they wanted me to be more like them? Insecure. But, you see. I wasn’t.

Back there on the kitchen floor, I didn’t yet understand what it all meant. I just knew I had to dig inside, maintain my confidence and pick myself up from off that floor if I wanted to move ahead and win that tournament. And also, forget about actually winning the event- how about JUST SHOWING UP. I know that most people in that situation wouldn’t have been able to figure out how to win with the weight of all that stacked on them. I did win that tournament, and when I was able to power through that situation, I realized the true strength I had inside. While I stood on the #1 podium and looked around at all the eyes that were on me, I cried. The tears weren’t because I won. The tears were a result of the journey. No one knew what I had endured. The tears I cried in that moment, while I was receiving such a prestigious award- those tears were tears of resilience. Of perseverance. Guiding others in how to tap into that inner strength has become a big part of my teaching now.

Now I understand what was going on at that tournament too. My confidence made others feel insecure. So, their reaction was to try to tear me down with criticisms.

While I could paint them as the bad guy here, comparison is the real enemy.

Now I can recognize it for what it really was. When comparing themselves to me, they saw an imbalance that intimidated them, made them insecure. People often come into our lives who try to tear us down this way as a reaction to insecurities. And facing this criticism can be a major struggle for so many people and can crush a person if they don’t have the mental or just overall strength to counteract it.

Over the years since, I’ve seen that the depths of a hardcore competition become a breeding ground for comparison, for insecurity, for all of these negative things that can be born from that situation. So now it is something I teach, the importance of really valuing and staying true to your personal style and strengths, never doubting them, even when criticized. And never letting comparison take over your thinking either.

Back when my stories took place, there was no social media. Social media is now making it even harder to escape comparison in everyday areas of our lives, breeding a lot of self-doubt. It’s too easy now to feel insecure and not enough in your life. It’s important to teach confidence at a young age to build a strong foundation. Yet, today, there are a lot of kids who are building their foundation on comparison instead.

The other day, I had a serious conversation with my daughter, Jersey. I’ve let her get on Tik Tok, as I feel like it’s a fun way for her to express yourself. But then the other day, I saw her sucking in her stomach and she commented that she needed to exercise. She’s six! So, I pulled her aside, looked her in the eyes and said, “listen. What I’m about to say is important. When you watch these videos, it’s very easy to compare yourself to those people, but I don’t want you to ever do that.” I explained that I knew she was just being goofy with Tik Tok, but I wanted her to be sure she knows to avoid the comparison trap in order to learn to value her own strengths and individuality. 

We can never be someone else. I can only be me. You can only be you. And neither one of us should ever try to be the other. It’s also not fair to compare yourself to anyone else on the planet. There’s only one you.

It becomes really toxic when you compare yourself to someone. That makes you feel less, when you are really comparing apples to oranges. And, when did it become taboo to actually root for each other? There’s only going to be one winner. And, it’s not always going to be the same person.

And when we criticize others to make ourselves feel better, not only is it disempowering, it lacks respect. I choose to admire, and be inspired by, people who are different than me, rather than negative emotions such as jealousy and comparison. That’s why this whole idea of insecurity was so confusing to me as a young competitor. I didn’t feel that insecurity. I felt admiration. I thought everyone did.

It is so much more empowering to look at others with respect rather than comparison.

It also comes down to the importance of understanding who you are. Being you. 100% of the time. Without fear.  And feeling proud to be who you are. Be you, unapologetically.

You can’t control the narrative that other people want to write about you, but what you can control is your narrative and who you are. So, just be that unapologetically 100% of the time. I believe those who are strong enough and brave enough to be themselves, no matter what people say, will excel more quickly and reach higher and make more of a difference. The universe supports that positive energy and you’ll remain elevated naturally. There’s no need to compare and definitely never any need to tear others down.

So, what are you proud of that makes you, YOU? And, a bonus question for this week- who do you admire and why?