A few weeks ago, the kids were off school, and Jase (Belmo) was in town between his events. I thought it would be fun to see a movie. We rarely go to the theater, and I know he loves “the flicks,” as he calls them. When I looked at movie times, one movie stood out to me. The Mean Girls remake was out!  I am a fan of Tina Fey’s work. She wrote the original as well as the remake. I was so intrigued.

The kids had yet to see the original. The first Mean Girls was before their time, 20 years ago. So, the night before, Jersey watched it at a friend’s house. The rest of us – John, Jason, Madden, and my dad – re-watched the original at home. (And yes, they were less than thrilled.) 

Watching it again all these years later reminded me that, while it is a fun movie, I am so opposed to the Mean Girl way. I still wanted to watch the new one with the family, though, because well, it’s a nostalgic and iconic movie. It’s like a right of passage. Beyond the laugh-out-loud or sometimes cring-ey scenes, it portrays something very real. The awkwardness of navigating the human experience, especially when you’re young – and it takes a close look at young people’s behaviors.

While the movie is hyperbolic for comedic effect, mean girls do exist.

And that feeling of being lost and not belonging – many young people feel that too. 

So, I saw the return of Mean Girls as an excellent opportunity to talk about some of those themes with Jersey. I don’t want her to naively think that everyone is always friendly, as she might have to navigate some of that. I also want her to realize that being lost and not fitting in is more common than she might realize. It’s good awareness for her to see these types of people and situations out there.

In the first movie, Cady (Lindsay Lohan) takes her lunch to the bathroom and sits on a toilet eating her lunch. I told my kids that there was a time in my life when I felt that. I felt really lost in middle school, and I also had nowhere to sit at lunch. My “bathroom stall” was actually the library. That’s where I would take my lunch to eat. Alone. 

When I watch Mean Girls, a lot of that comes up for me. When I talk to my kids about that, I think it can sometimes be hard for them to believe. They see me as someone who makes friends easily and is very social, kind, and welcoming. But I can relate to that lost feeling Cady was experiencing. Because my friends were bowling friends, they weren’t there at my school. So, the kids at my school didn’t understand me or what I was doing on the weekends. They didn’t welcome me into their groups. So, I never really felt like I belonged to any group, and those years were hard for me. I was friendly with all the “cliques” at school. The artsy kids, the sports kids, the “popular” kids. But although I was friends with everyone, I felt like I didn’t fit in with anyone.

Until I found my confidence through realizing that who I was outside of school was okay and enough. Because I knew I did fit in somewhere – in my bowling community. Then, it didn’t matter as much that I didn’t fit in at school.

When I think back to “lost Diandra” in middle school, I could have become something else. I could have become something else to fit a mold and belong to whatever clique. But I chose to find belonging through bowling. That’s where I found not only my confidence but myself.

What I also told Jersey is that I have realized that the kids who don’t find that sense of belonging somewhere are the ones who become mean girls. Because they don’t have a strong sense of identity, being mean to others becomes their identity. They let their insecurities lead them.

Whenever I think about where you get that sense of confidence in who you are as a young person, my mind always goes back to this idea of having a sense of belonging.

When you feel a part of something, that gives you confidence. And that’s what sports in general, are good at doing. They also give you the rewarding feeling of working hard for something and having it pay off. Or the knowledge that when you fail, it’s not the end of the world. You can pick yourself up and come back from that. That, too, creates confidence. Jersey’s dancing does that for her. And for Madden, it’s baseball.

As she gets into the higher grades, Jersey will start seeing some of the Mean Girl themes play out at school. There will be people who feel lost, lack confidence, and who feel desperate to belong or bring attention to themselves. And they may try getting that attention in the wrong ways.  

When I talk to Jersey about this, I remind her that how she represents herself is a choice.

As a parent, I want Jersey to have the confidence to maintain a strong self-worth, and choose to be 100% authentic all the time. I don’t want her to feel she ever has to become something else for anyone.

The best thing we can do as parents is give our kids that confidence in themselves. The confidence to be true to who they are. And the freedom to be authentic.