Have you ever dreaded something so much that it made your stomach turn?

That was me as a kid at the mere thought of going to school. My stomach turned. My shoulders tensed up just thinking about it. I might have appeared like a confident kid on the outside but, man, 6th-grade lunchtime was dreadful for me. The thought of it hung over me like a dark cloud, starting in the morning as I was getting ready for school and staying with me all day until lunch.

Sometimes I made my lunch but a lot of the time I stood in the way-too-long lunch line waiting on whatever the hot lunch would be for that day. As I stood with my tray filled with my pizza puff and chocolate milk, I would canvas the lunchroom. The room was filled with groups of kids and their lively lunchroom chatter. But there was nowhere for me to go. 

That’s where the feeling came from. At times I felt like I was friends with everybody. Other times I felt very misunderstood and unaccepted.

No one ever actually said the words “you can’t sit here” to me, but the feeling overwhelmed me all the same. It wasn’t that I ever encountered any of my own “mean girl” moments either. I just didn’t feel like I fit in. Anywhere.

On the weekends, when everyone else was with their friend groups from school, I bowled. I didn’t hang out with anyone I went to school with outside of school. They didn’t bowl. I was gone every single weekend bowling. And on weeknights I bowled too. Bowling was my life. It was a life I chose and loved. But it made school, the other part of my life, uncomfortable at times.

So, in the moment, staring blankly into the lunchroom, I did the only thing that made sense. I did what younger me always did when I was in an uncomfortable situation. I just left. I disappeared. I took my lunch to the library to eat there. No one was there so it was easier to not feel defeated.

I wasn’t comfortable being uncomfortable.

This story really surprises people, knowing who I am now. I’m very social, very inclusive, and very secure in who I am.

The point is that I wasn’t always that way. I grew into it. I became all of those things. Later. 

The Diandra I am now, wouldn’t have retreated and hid the way I did back then. I wouldn’t have hidden away in the library to eat my lunch alone because I didn’t feel like I had any other choice. I would have found a few friendly faces that had space at their lunch table. I would have smiled and kindly asked if I could sit there with them. I would have found friendship in the lunchroom. Present-day Diandra would have responded to the discomfort differently and she would have found her place.

Sometimes you have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation to find the eventual comfort.

Why didn’t I do that? I was young. I felt ashamed. Embarrassed that I was different not having weekend sleepovers and sometimes missing school events on the weekends – mainly because I bowled.

I think about this story when I see kids trying to find their place in groups. It’s definitely hard being a kid and finding your place. Those times when you just don’t feel like you fit in are extra difficult to manage when you’re young. But I’ve realized it is also a feeling that can happen anytime, at any age. On teams, outside school, even at work.

There are likely people around you, even when you don’t even realize it, who are feeling uncomfortable and feeling like they just don’t fit in. Sometimes people who you may not even expect. It is hard to admit it here, but the feeling appeared for me again a few times outside of school and on bowling teams. Feeling misunderstood, or unaccepted, can really happen anywhere.

Whether it’s the lunchroom crowd, the workplace environment or the team you are on, navigating that whole “you can’t sit here” feeling is hard.

I think it’s because I’ve spent enough time feeling uncomfortable that I have gone from being the outcast to being the buffer. When I am around others and get the sense that they are feeling that same awkwardness or discomfort I once felt, I try to help them feel more comfortable. I will introduce them. I bring them together. I encourage them to welcome one other into each other’s circles. 

Even small acts of understanding can really affect how others feel. So now I try to really be aware and empathetic. After all, if I have learned anything from these experiences it’s that – kindness is rad.