There’s a fun new morning routine happening at our house these days.
Word games.
Maybe you’ve heard about the Wordle craze. Everyone is playing Wordle.
I love word games, and Madden has taken a liking to them as well. So now, every single morning, he gets himself ready, and before he even makes his lunch for the day he sits down at his computer and starts his day with Wordle.
He’s actually strangely great at Wordle. Sometimes he gets the word in 3 times. Like, even more often than even I do. But something interesting also revealed itself during his Wordle experience lately.
If you play Wordle, you know that there are 6 tries to figure out each word. Lately, if Madden gets to the last guess without figuring it out, he has been quitting instead of potentially “losing.” At least that’s how he was seeing the situation. So I said to him, “what’s the matter? Are you afraid to fail?”
Madden was struggling so much with the idea of failure, he actually thought that by quitting, he was saving himself from “losing.” I went on to explain, “you know what’s worse than failing? Quitting.”
In our house, we always say, “we aren’t afraid to fail and Asbaty’s certainly do not quit.”
What an important life lesson revealed through Wordle. The symbolism was so clear to me.
Would YOU rather quit before losing to not feel the feelings of defeat?
I wouldn’t. What if your last-ditch effort gets you there, and you succeed? You’d never know if you quit.
Give it your best effort. Sometimes it’s good enough. And sometimes it’s not. There’s no shame in failing with integrity.
In a way, I can relate to where Madden was coming from, though. When I look back to an earlier time in my career when I had the mindset if I don’t win, I have lost. It’s the thinking that if you’re not the winner, it was a waste. It’s that competitive mindset, and Madden has that. It’s one of the reasons he is excelling in baseball. What I also want my kids to see is that paying attention to the process, and learning from the try, is another way to frame a “win.” While I can appreciate a competitive spirit, I also don’t want them to be afraid of every loss.
Getting ahead doesn’t mean winning every single time. It’s about learning from the wins and the losses. You’re not always going to win, and you’re not always going to lose. But you can grow and mature from both.
It’s hard for kids to see or know that at the moment because they’re young. That’s why we need to be there to assure them and remind them not to be afraid, even when they can’t fully comprehend that it’s all helping them. When you’re a kid, you just need to be shown the way.
As a parent, I don’t want my kids to be afraid of failure. As much as it might be instinct as parents to feel that we always need to make their lives easier, that would be stripping them of the learning opportunities. If we let them steer away from chances to learn and grow, by letting them not try something – or quit – out of fear of failure, then we’re setting them up to approach life that way. It’s hard to “undo” those things later in life. At our house, we have always been focused on being sure that our kids have the most amazing jumping-off point for their lives.
We also never just “let” our kids win at a game in our house. We play real and fair because they also have to learn to not win with dignity and sportsmanship. This isn’t always easy. I remember when Jersey wasn’t used to feeling defeat. She would get so angry and cop an attitude. That’s something to catch early though, and I recognize that. Don’t let your kids win. Teach them how to lose.
It builds character.
Handling losses with grace is another life learning opportunity. It supports learning how to be a champion even when you don’t win. It’s a champion mindset.
There’s no real “Guide to Being a Great Parent” out there. But I think a big part of being the best mom I can be has been to teach my kids a strong mindset and what they need for them to be empowered.
This topic came up in another one of my chats with my friend, Dr. Weems. He added, “it’s an important lesson that we, as parents and role models of leadership, are not afraid of what’s hard/difficult. We should be mindful not to shield our children from challenges, adversity, and maybe even what some would call “failure.”
Even when I’m just talking to Madden about not being afraid of failing a word game in the morning, I make it clear that it’s about something bigger than the game. It’s really important to show my kids that they get to decide how their lives will go. They have the power over their mindset and their attitude, and their strength when things get hard. In their daily decisions to choose to work through what’s hard, they have the power to make their lives into whatever they want it to be. The easy route won’t get them there, though.
As parents, we need to direct this thinking early. It may be a word game today but before long, it could become fear of failing something much bigger like a scholarship application.
This means that I also let my kids see me struggle. Showing your kids that you don’t always win is just as important for their growth mindset.
Don’t try to cover up your struggles. You are modeling your behavior to them. If they see you hiding or scared of failure, they’re going to think something’s wrong with failure. But there isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s an essential part of the process.
Dr. Weems comments, “It’s equally important to have candid discussions with your children about your current challenges and how you “choose” to tackle them. You may be so expert at overcoming obstacles that it looks “easy” to others. By discussing the difficulties and mapping out plans to overcome and then executing those plans…Wow. There is significant value in that and truly another life lesson.”
I have never been afraid to fail in pursuit of my passion. I want them to see that strength from the struggle is part of the journey. I let them see that getting to the top isn’t in a straight line. When parents try to shelter their kids from the fact that sometimes things just aren’t easy, it’s not protecting them. It’s disempowering them. And I believe that seeing this relentless pursuit, even in face of failures, is what has already empowered Madden to believe in his own power and to go after his own dreams. It’s why he’s not afraid to declare to anyone that he’s going to be a professional baseball player.
Unfortunately, a lot of kids grow up without that opportunity to go after their dreams. They are often surrounded by a culture of no. They hear, “no, you can’t do that” more often than they hear ‘yes, you can.” That comes from fear-based thinking that keeps getting passed onto us, often from parents and family, and then those fears become theirs. As a parent, I’d never want to pass fear-based thinking onto my kids. I want to model that anything is possible, even if it means facing some failures along the way.
I am so proud of how much my kids believe in themselves and how often they try new things. They do know their power. And I know just as much as Madden already knows he has it in himself to be a star baseball player, he’ll soon shine through this Wordle fears too!
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