In my last post, I wrote about an important turning point that shaped who I am today. I did not make the easy choice. I said “yes” to a new and unknown path. So, this week I thought I would talk more about how I consciously make decisions — and my aversion to the word “no.”

I believe that we live in a culture of no. When we are faced with choices to do something new, the instinct is to just say no. For many reasons. It’s something new. It’s scary. You don’t know what the outcome will be.

I feel like people are also always hearing, “you can’t do that or be careful of that, or that’s not for you.” I really do think it stems from this discouraging culture of no in our society telling us “you’re not good enough to do that” or “that’s too scary.” People are always saying no to things though, even the simplest, easiest of things.

I see this around me in the bowling world. A lot of times, bowlers have an opportunity in front of them but, as their first instinct, they’ll tell themselves it’s not for them. It could be a big tournament or a coaching clinic. Whatever it is, they’ll first doubt themselves and usually just say no. They’ll think, “I’m not good enough to do that.” Or, they’ll be afraid to give themselves the freedom to go after it.  I see this in everyday kids too, not just bowlers.

When we do not get permission at a young age to say yes to possibilities, we grow up believing our fears and doubts instead and giving them more power than new possibilities.  Making decisions about anything new, we instinctively question. “No, I can’t do that.”

I really do feel we can trace it back to how we are raising our children within a culture of no.

“Can I go play across the street?” No.

But why? Just because. No. 

“Can I play in the backyard?” No. 

But why? Because I said so.

It’s much easier to say no, because you don’t have to worry about anything else. It stops there. You don’t have to worry about all these other things. Life stays the same. When you say yes, it opens up possibilities but also sometimes new worries. There’s more to think about. And that is too scary for most people. Saying no, you don’t have to worry about anything else.

I see it all the time with parents around me. Parents are always saying, “no, don’t do that. Stop doing that. You can’t do that.” No matter what it is. Because no is easier than any worries that may pop up from allowing their children the freedom to explore new things, to learn and grow through seeing that they can actually do many things. Even if it is sometimes something so simple as playing with new friends across the street. Rather than bringing up children to believe in possibilities, too many parents are actually teaching their children to be afraid of them.

Then after being guided by no while growing up, they grow into adults who also do not know how to say yes to possibilities. And that’s so sad. I know a number of adults who continually say no before they even really know what it is they are declining. They really don’t know how to naturally say yes. It’s so unnatural to them, and it takes convincing before they’ll say yes, as they aren’t able to actually see the possibilities for themselves. Their eyes have become so closed through years of saying no.

It’s something I’ve tried to be conscious about in my parenting. I’ve always been a natural yes person, but since becoming a parent, I’ve realized the importance of parents teaching children not to be afraid of new things. So when we are faced with decisions and our day to day life, whether people are asking something of us or our children are asking for permission to do something, at our house, we take a moment and think about the answer instead of jumping to say no. Because if there’s not a real reason to say no, then the answer should be yes. 

My husband and I have had this conversation many times. We agree that saying “no” is easier. But, is there a reason not to say “yes?” Some may think that allowing your child to crawl up on the counter is a hard no. For me, it shows that my daughter (who is 6) is taking it upon herself to get to where she can see what we are doing. So, we let her. Some may think that pulling the dining room chair over to the refrigerator is a hard no. But for me, I see it as an opportunity to be independent. Problem solving. She wants something in the refrigerator that she cannot reach. She pulls the chair over, steps on it, opens the fridge and gets it herself. Unless she is getting herself a beer, I don’t see the harm in this. 

I try to say yes to possibilities, big and small, almost every day of my life.

I don’t want my children to have naturally self limiting beliefs or instincts because I also don’t want that to lead to them believing that they cannot do certain things or that certain things are even impossible.

That’s another word I have strong feelings about. I think impossible is a really limiting word that I haven’t said very much in my life. I actually always feel that anything is possible. I don’t think everything is easy. Things don’t just happen. You have to be willing to work for it. And sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to do it. But it’s definitely still possible with the right commitment and attitude.

Something shouldn’t be impossible just because you are afraid of it or because it’s really hard. We shouldn’t say no to trying a new thing only because not a lot of people have accomplished it before or because you haven’t seen anybody else do it yet.

So, as I mentioned last week, I made the “scary” choice to attend an entirely different university than my sister because I like to live a life of possibilities rather than impossibilities and Yes rather than No.

And sometimes we need to say yes and believe in possibilities to be the first one to show others what is possible. I’ll write more about that in my next post, when I tell you more about one of my best friends, and the amazing things he has accomplished in his life by saying yes to trying something most of the world was telling him no to.

So, what possibilities have you said yes to lately?